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Hello friends <3
I wanted to write to you all with a big ole’ life update. Up until this far, I haven’t let many people in on what has been going on with me. I want to say the past year, but with new information, the past FEW years some things have been happening, and now things just make sense.
I suppose we’ll start at the beginning. All of you that follow me thus far know I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD from my previous abusive relationship, and that every day I make decisions to put my mental health first. I have had panic attacks before, but they are usual very situational ie. I am triggered by someone or something. But last year, something changed.
I have always been very self aware of my BP and HR from doing sessions but also from my pregnancies. As many of you also know I suffered greatly with hyperemises, hypertension, and preeclampsia with my babies. So it has become a natural part of my life to be hyper away of my heart rate. One day in January, Matt was off at work in another state, and I was home with the babies. I was literally completely fine, went down to do a zoom call with Hales, and I was completely fine.. until I wasn’t.
I remember vividly hales trying to get to me on the zoom but I felt like I was going to fall over. I ran outside to catch my breath. My heart was literally racing so heart it hurt. I felt like I was running a marathon and everything was out of whack. I sat down. Got hales back on zoom. And started crying. She kept assuring me she was there and I remember thinking thank god because I don’t know what to do. Over the next several minutes I couldn’t shake the feeling some
thing was really wrong. I called Jess + Beth, they instantly came over, and I went to the ER.
The intake nurse took note of everything and pushed me to the back. Everyone purely deducted, “Oh, she’s just having a panic attack.” I was told to follow up with my PCP for medication. At this point these instances have been going on since I gave birth to Amelia, but they have only gotten worse. Before, my heart would feel funky, but within a few moments I would get back to normal and continue on. But it seemed my symptoms just carried more weight with each passing day. Shakeyness, pain, blurry vision, now my legs going numb? And again…… everyone said, “well you have anxiety, so it’s definitely just a panic attack.”
I follow up with my PCP, who also confirms panic attacks. So I surrender, I start the road down medication which I have been adamantly against because I am a big believer in healing your mental health by doing the actual work [therapy, holistic approach, healthy habits]. I do the blood work. I wait two weeks. I follow up. Blood work great, no blood clots [I’ve been worried thanks to all you conspiracy folks], nothing wrong with my body so she confirms panic attacks and tells me to continue with the medicine.
As time passes, and more side effects are now happening from both my heart + my medicine, everything just keeps getting more complicated. I continue to have these so called panic attacks. I continue to be scared of having these panic attacks. So now I am panicking over PANICKING. This sounds normal, right? I was constantly afraid I was just going to drop dead. I began to have fear again around Matt going to work, this time simply because I was scared to be alone because of how bad my heart felt and what happened after one of these episodes. It was all tooo much. After 8 months now of therapy, prescriptions, a million doctors visits, and medication changes….. someone took me seriously.
My PCP said I am sure in frustration after all of this, I mean if you want to go to a cardiologist to make sure everything’s fine “I am not going to stop you.” OK, thanks. So she sent me a referrals. That referral was booked until FEBRUARY. This is JULY I was making this appointment. Some how by the grace of God, I just googled a cardiologist that took my insurance, and boom. I was in. The following Thursday.
The relief from simply getting an appointment was questionable- was I just on the right track?
From the second I got into that doctors office, I knew I was in the right place. From the nurses, to the energy, I just felt it. When I met with the doctor I word vomitted… everything. Every symptom, every worry, any and everything I could think of to tell him, even down to my love of 5pm mama juice. Whatever was causing this I will do anything to stop, so I wanted to let everything out there. The more we’re talking, the more I am saying that I have been feeling, the more understanding he brings, and the second he opened his mouth and said, “That is not a panic attack, it sounds like you have a premature atrial beat, and probably with how you feel when you have them, you have a panic attack about it.”
MY HEART STOPPED. But in a good way. Could it seriously be that this isn’t just some random ass panic attack disorder? But wait, is this bad?! SO MANY THOUGHTS. He went on to further explain exactly what this means. And it matched my symptoms like OJs glove in trial. Literally. Everything. The pain, the panic, the rhythm. It was the first time in a year I felt validated. I was instructed to wear a holter for 4 days, and we would do an eco and a stress test from there. He told me to do everything I can to make these symptoms show up. So I did.
When I was able to go back, the eco looked good. Relief. The stress test was scary but I literally had the best nurse ever that day and I was lucky. God put her right where I needed her and I really felt safe.
And guess what. BOOM BOOM. Right there on that EKG was my heart prematurely beating as I walked. The pain was bad and it was scary, but it was the proof.
I have premature heart beats. And I am not crazy for listening to my body knowing that this was more than a panic attack. Luckily, if I take care of myself and manage my stress levels + heart rate, I will be fine.
But it does come with a huge wake up call that these are amplified when my heart rate spikes, with lack of sleep, with STRESS. I need to take care of me. Which as you all know is the thing I do last. * THIS IS WHY SESSIONS HAVE BEEN KILLING ME…. HR Spikes!**
My reason for sharing this is that I am still dealing with it, and will continue to! But I wanted to share that it’s import for us to listen to our hearts [pun intended] and really follow where you’re being guided in your body. Now that I KNOW what is happening, I am far less panicked about it. I am able to breathe through them and continue my day. Just knowing what things are is extremely helpful. Now I just have to manage the extreme stress of life and take care of myself and my beautiful family.
Thank you for allowing to share. That you to my amazing doctor. And thank you to God for always taking care of me and guiding me right where I need to be.
Love and good Heart beats,
Jennie